Have you ever looked at your partner in the middle of an argument and thought, Wait… haven’t we had this exact same fight before?
Maybe the details are different.
This time it’s about the dishes. Last time it was the kids’ schedules. Before that, it was who was supposed to make the appointment, handle bedtime, or remember the thing that somehow nobody remembered.
But underneath it all?
It feels like the same argument over and over again.
If that sounds familiar, you are definitely not alone.
In this episode of The Secrets of Supermom Show, I’m talking with marriage coach and mom of three Michelle Purta, host of The Marriage and Motherhood Podcast, about what happens to our relationships after kids—and why even strong couples can suddenly find themselves stuck in frustrating patterns of conflict, resentment, and disconnection.
Michelle helps couples move from reactive patterns to intentional partnership so they can feel more connected, supported, and like an “us” again while raising kids.
And if you’ve ever felt more like roommates, coworkers, or two people managing a very complicated family project than romantic partners, this conversation is for you.
Ready to listen? Use the podcast player or listen anywhere you find your favorite podcasts. (Don’t forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode!)
Rather read? Check out the show notes and episode content right here!
Show Notes: Why Marriage Changes After Kids
Hey, hey friend! Welcome to Episode #316 of The Secrets of Supermom Show!
Before kids, you probably had significantly more time and energy to invest in your relationship.
You could be spontaneous. You could focus on each other. You could finish a conversation without someone yelling, “MOM!”
Then kids arrive.
Suddenly, there is less time, less energy, less sleep, and a whole lot more responsibility.
As Michelle explains in this episode, many couples unintentionally assume they can put their marriage on hold while they focus on raising their kids.
It makes sense. Your children need you. There are lunches to pack, appointments to schedule, activities to attend, laundry to wash, bills to pay, and approximately 4,782 other things demanding your attention.
But your marriage isn’t something you can simply freeze and return to years later exactly as you left it.
When a relationship continually gets pushed to the bottom of the priority list, resentment and disconnection can start creeping in. Eventually, couples may realize they’ve become incredibly efficient at running a household together—but don’t feel particularly connected to each other anymore.
The answer isn’t to somehow find endless amounts of additional time and energy to pour into your marriage.
It’s about being intentional about maintaining your partnership in the season you’re actually in.
Sometimes quality really does matter more than quantity.
Why You Keep Having the Same Argument
One of my favorite analogies Michelle shares in our conversation is that couples develop a kind of choreography.
Your partner does something.
You interpret what they did.
You react.
They react to your reaction.
And before long, both of you are performing the exact same dance you’ve done dozens of times before.
Maybe when you feel dismissed, you become critical.
Maybe when your partner feels criticized, they shut down.
Their shutting down makes you feel even more ignored, so you push harder.
They withdraw even more.
And suddenly you’re having that fight again.
What’s fascinating is that the actual subject of the argument may not be the biggest problem.
The bigger issue may be the pattern you’ve created around conflict.
That means getting out of the cycle requires looking beyond what you’re arguing about and paying attention to how the two of you respond to each other.
Start By Looking at Your Side of the Pattern
This might be the hardest part of the conversation—and also one of the most empowering.
Instead of starting with everything your partner needs to change, Michelle encourages us to ask:
How am I contributing to this pattern?
Oof.
Because it’s much easier to identify what someone else could have done differently.
They shouldn’t have said that.
They should have listened.
They should have noticed.
They should have helped.
They should know by now.
But you don’t control your partner’s actions.
You do have control over how you show up.
That might mean recognizing that you become passive-aggressive when you’re frustrated.
Maybe you interrupt when you don’t feel heard.
Maybe you shut down.
Maybe you assume negative intent before asking what your partner actually meant.
Maybe you walk into a conversation already expecting it to go badly.
Recognizing those behaviors isn’t about taking all the blame for problems in your relationship. It’s about identifying the part of the pattern that you actually have the power to change.
And that awareness creates an opportunity to respond differently the next time.
What If Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Work on the Relationship?
This was a question I really wanted to ask Michelle because it’s one I know many women wrestle with:
What happens when you want things to change, but your partner isn’t interested in coaching, counseling, therapy, or doing the work with you?
Ideally, both partners are willing to look at their behavior and work on the relationship.
But Michelle says that doesn’t mean working on yourself is pointless if your partner isn’t ready.
Think back to that dance.
If you change your steps, your partner no longer has the exact same behavior to react to.
You’re changing the pattern.
That doesn’t mean you can control how your partner responds or guarantee what will happen in the relationship.
But you can change what you’re bringing into the interaction.
You can become more aware of your triggers.
You can practice communicating differently.
You can question the assumptions you’re making.
You can increase your capacity to stay present during difficult conversations.
And you can take responsibility for your own growth.
That work is valuable regardless of what someone else chooses to do.
Stop Trying to Win the Argument
When emotions get high, it’s incredibly easy for a disagreement to become something you need to win.
You start gathering evidence.
You defend your position.
You point out inconsistencies.
You interrupt because they aren’t understanding what you’re saying.
But what happens if you win the argument and both of you walk away feeling terrible?
Michelle offers an important reframe:
The goal isn’t to win the conversation.
The goal is to come out of it as partners.
Instead of approaching conflict as opponents, what would happen if you approached the problem as collaborators?
That doesn’t mean you’ll always agree.
Healthy couples still disagree.
It means learning how to move through those disagreements without automatically falling into the same reactive patterns that leave both of you feeling hurt, frustrated, or disconnected.
How Do You Know When It’s Time to Get Support?
You don’t have to wait until your relationship is in crisis to ask for help.
In fact, Michelle encourages couples to consider getting support before things feel unbearable.
One simple question she suggests asking is:
Are you tired of trying to figure this out on your own?
Maybe you’ve read the books.
You’ve listened to the podcasts.
You know how you’re supposed to communicate.
But when emotions take over, you can’t seem to access any of those tools.
You walk away thinking, I knew better. Why did I do that again?
That can be a sign that outside support may help you identify what’s keeping you stuck and practice a different way forward.
Getting help doesn’t have to be the last resort.
About Our Guest: Michelle Purta
Michelle Purta is a marriage coach, mom of three, and host of The Marriage and Motherhood Podcast. She helps couples move from reactive patterns to intentional partnership so they can feel more connected, supported, and like an “us” again while raising kids. Michelle works with couples who feel stuck in the same arguments or like they have become roommates, helping them understand what is really going on and communicate in a way that actually brings them closer.
https://www.instagram.com/michellepurtacoaching
Podcast: https://pod.link/1616955820
Conflict To Connection Guide: https://www.michellepurta.com/pg/confidence
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About the Host: Lori Oberbroeckling
Lori Whitney Oberbroeckling is a mom of four, corporate leader, podcaster, productivity expert, and author of the book Secrets of Supermom: How Extraordinary Moms Succeed at Work and Home & How You Can Too!
She is passionate about helping parents who want fulfilling careers–or side hustles or passion projects–while also wanting to feel present and connected to their families.
