Do you want to know why this episode is super important? We have all been complaining for almost a year and a half now. Many of us were complaining before that. How can you stop this “culture of complaint” whether it is in your house, your office, your friend group, or beyond? How can you focus on the solution instead of dwell on the problem? How can you use problem-solving skills to render complaining totally unnecessary?
In this episode, we will talk about the “culture of complaint”, how complaining and venting are not the same, and ten steps to actually solve your problem based on the chapter Supermoms Don’t Tolerate a “Culture of Complaint” | The Secret of Problem Solving. And, as always, we will talk about one small step you can take TODAY to stop complaining NOW.
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Show Notes and Transcript
Hey, hey friend! Welcome to Episode #16 of The Secrets of Supermom Show!
Before we get started today, I want to make sure that you have seen my new free masterclass for busy moms. Does your morning feel stressful instead of calm, happy, and productive? In this brand new Master Your Morning Masterclass for Moms you will learn the #1 secret to a morning you love, why your morning isn’t working even though you are following all the “morning rules,” and the top three ways real moms make their morning madness minimal! Sign up at secretsofsupermom.com/mymorning or the link in the show notes! And make sure to sign up so you get the limited-time replay if you can’t make it live!
If you have been listening along, you know that we are in Part 3 of the book which is The Secret Skills supermoms use to succeed. This is the second to last chapter of the book, y’all! Only one chapter to go, and we will have made it through the whole book.
This week, based on Chapter 15 from the book Secrets of Supermom, let’s dive into Supermoms Don’t Tolerate a Culture of Complaint | The Secret of Problem-Solving. Randy Pausch said, “Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won’t make us happier.” I mean seriously. If our goal is to succeed in our goals and stay happy in the process, complaining is the enemy of that.
A Culture of Complaint
So, what exactly is a “culture of complaint” and why is it so bad? The “culture of complaint” is when we set up an atmosphere, a culture, where complaining is tolerated at best and encouraged at worst. Complaining is whining with no intention of finding a solution. And why is this so bad? Complaining is nearly always directed at someone else. So, complaining encourages people to look for the worst in a situation and blame it on others. It takes away all your control. What’s more…
- It increases cortisol, one of the stress hormones, which has been linked to increased blood pressure, increased blood sugar, impairs your immune system, and causes you to be more susceptible to high cholesterol, diabetes, heart disease, and obesity. Basically, it makes you sick.
- Complaining cultivates a negative attitude, allowing you to look for the worst in a situation instead of looking for the positive.
- Blame while complaining puts the situation in someone else’s control, causing the complainer to feel powerless over the situation.
- Complaining can rewire the brain by shrinking the hippocampus. The hippocampus is responsible for cognitive ability and memory. When you complain consistently, the brain reduces memory capacity as well as the ability to react to new situations.
- Negative thoughts breed more negative thoughts.
Venting is different from complaining in that it is a release of emotion (like complaining) but with the intent of solving the problem afterward. Venting is sometimes necessary. Complaining is most certainly not.
Problem Solving Skills: 10 Steps
Identify the Thought Behind the Emotion
Complaining is always based in emotion. You feel overwhelmed at the amount of work you have to complete. You feel frustrated that your partner doesn’t help you more often or more consistently. You feel irritated that the kids keep leaving bowls on the table. Identifying the thought means sitting with the emotion and looking for the thought behind it without judgment. You will identify the thoughts even if they might be irrational. Once you have identified the initial thoughts, you can start to dig deeper to find the real problem.
Digging for the Root
In simple terms, root cause analysis is asking “why” over and over until you get to the root of your problem. As we continue to ask “why,” we get from the assumed problem. If we don’t dig deep to find the root cause, we may try to solve the wrong problem.
Think Solution, Not Problem
If you focus on what you want to happen instead of what you don’t want to happen, you are better able to find the right solution.
The Big Question
Do you actually want a change? After you identify the emotion that is happening, figure out the problem, and target a solution-focused approach, you need to make a big decision. Do you actually want a change? You would be surprised how often you might get to this part of the problem and realize that the solution is more work than you are willing to put in. You might figure out that the problem wasn’t really that big of a deal after all. You might figure out that you just like to complain and feel like a martyr but don’t want the problem resolved. You might figure out that you actually can’t change the situation and have to change your reaction to it instead.
If you decide that the solution is important to you, absolutely move on to the next steps. If not, you need to decide how you will come to terms with the problem so it doesn’t continue to cause negative emotions in your life. Don’t be a lifelong complainer.
The Solution Brainstorm
Get out a piece of paper or use your Secrets of Supermom Workbook. Write down all the solutions you think will solve the problem. Don’t be afraid to get creative or silly. The point is to think of every solution possible.
Simplify
You have brainstormed all the solutions to your problem. Now, you are going to simplify the plan. One of the secrets of supermoms is to work smarter, not harder. There is no reason that a complicated solution is the best. Most often, the easy and most straightforward answer is the one that is right.
Define the Steps
Some simple solutions may have one easy step. If that is the case, move on and implement. However, some problems are far more complex, like a major problem with your team or a significant behavior issue with one of your children. One simple step may not be enough. When that is the case, breaking down the solution into the steps it will take is helpful. Begin with the end in mind, and work backward until you get to the best first step to take.
Implement
Do the thing. Take the first step. Get started on the solution. It seems like this might be the hardest part. The hardest part is really getting past the emotion and changing the habit of complaining. You have already worked out the steps, so getting started is easier than you think.
Realize Your Power
The best part of the problem-solving mindset is that you realize your power. You are in control of your thoughts and how you react to a situation. You are in control of how you choose to think and feel. You are in control of how you decide to move forward to solve a problem. You can’t control them, but you can always control you.
Pass It On
We talked earlier in the episode about how a culture of complaint can really bring down teams and families. Change your own thinking to be more solution-focused, and you can support others to ask the same questions. It is hard to be around those that complain just for the sake of complaining and not be drawn in. Be careful with whom you spend your time and your energy.
One Small Step: Problem Solving Skills and How To Stop Complaining
Every week we share one small step you can take to get started today. Today we are going to take 5 minutes to take a good hard look at our life. Where are you complaining too much? Where are your kids complaining too much? I want you to really think about it and be honest. After your analysis, you can decide if you want to make a change.
Before we sign off today, make sure to head over to the link in the show notes or go to secretsofsupermom.com/mymorning and sign up for the Master Your Morning Masterclass. There are three options, but if none of them work, sign up anyway so you get the limited time replay.
Next week we will be reviewing the very last chapter of the book and learning how you can convince your kids of just about anything. Marketing isn’t just for businesses, y’all. Have a super week!
